Mike Brown: Drunk Yoga

For this month’s issue, the topical theme is self-care and the importance of, I guess, caring for yourself. Self-care can mean many different things to many different people. For some, it’s as simple as taking a walk in the park to clear your mind. For the many unhoused in my neighborhood, self-care includes screaming back at the voices in your head, occasionally smashing public property and crossing a busy street on a green light.  Alas, we are all different.

For me, I like alcohol. I do other things to take care of myself, like shower occasionally, but alcohol is my main go-to. I used to take yoga classes from time to time, and it always helped clear my mind, even though I sucked shit at it. Years of skateboarding have rendered many of my ligaments not too flexible. I even had one yoga instructor tell me I should take an easier class, but there were more hot girls in her class. But yeah, I got kicked out of a yoga class once. It was not as satisfying as getting kicked out of a high school class.

“I used to take yoga classes from time to time, and it always helped clear my mind, even though I sucked shit at it.”

Whatever. So, when I found out there was a place in Salt Lake that combined two amazing stress relievers, I thought, “I definitely needed to look into this.” Enter in Yoga and Beer at the Gateway Mall! It happens every Wednesday and is hosted by.

The tried and true business formula of adding alcohol to something already fun continues. Just look at Brewvies, Top Golf and even Jesus Christ, who converted many a Christian by turning water into wine. The bottom line is that this formula works. Bars have to do the opposite like offering a shitty trivia night because they already have the booze.

Regardless, beer and yoga is a tremendous idea. Just imagine putting your beer cup at the top of your yoga mat. Every time you do a downward dog pose, you lap up some sweet yellow goodness like a happy, drunk little puppy. Just don’t forget to breathe or spill your beer on your mat, but that just helps you be extra careful on those tough poses.  

“Every time you do a downward dog pose, you lap up some sweet yellow goodness like a happy, drunk little puppy.”

Do you know how hard it is to pass a field sobriety test with all the balancing the cops make you do? I do. I’ve done it twice successfully and have passed with flying colors. Now, imagine doing a tree pose when you’re four beers deep. Pull that off and earn the respect of many a master yogi.

What kind of beer should you have before or during a yoga class? I wouldn’t recommend an IPA, although that’s probably the flavor of choice for most yoga enthusiasts. I suggest the low-carb, low-salary Michelob ULTRA, but to each his own, I say. Sneak in a flask to class for all I care.

And although yoga can help cure a hangover, be careful of some of the pitfalls of drinking while in class. As we all know, beer makes you fart, so if you are going to yoga to impress the ladies, this might not be the class for you. Although, it’s pretty funny to watch a yoga instructor try to keep a straight face after someone rips one on the mat.  

Regardless, this is a great move for the Gateway Mall to help revive themselves after getting sacked a few years back when “God’s Mall” moved in. As soon as the Apple Store left it’s been a downhill storm of shit for that place. Doing things like offering Yoga and Beer will only help.