Oh boy, do I love Halloween. I try not to overdo it like some weirdos, though. I still live in an apartment building that little kids are afraid to visit for trick-or-treating, and their parents are smart enough to not let them wander into my neighborhood. So, I don’t have to really worry about decorations and cheap candy. Instead, I tend to focus on decorating myself, and cheap women.

Halloween is one of those holidays when the sluts come out. A good costume can get you laid. This isn’t a column about how to get laid that night, but if you nab a piece because of some of the tips in this article, well then,
you’re welcome.

I’ve been to many Halloween parties throughout the years, and I’ve never really understood the slutty girl costume thing. Why should there only be one night a year when it’s OK for a girl to dress like a slut? And are these girls real sluts? If I knew a person who was secretly a white supremacist, would it be OK for him to dress like Hitler for Halloween? I’d say “fuck no.” I’m going to start calling these girls closet sluts.

I have much more respect for a girl who’s a slut every day than I do one who’s just going to be one for Halloween, because that girl is real. I feel that the slutty costume, as far as effort goes, is taking the easy way out. I guess girls with this mentality are taking the easy way out to find a guy looking for an easy way in, if you know what I mean.

Besides, on Halloween night, guys are trying to fuck girls regardless of what they are wearing. Ugly girls can use this to their advantage. I’m not saying a fat girl should be a fat girl for Halloween, but on a night when it’s OK to use tons and tons of makeup or fake blood (or a bulky outfit, for that matter) if you fell out of the ugly tree, why not just be the ugly tree as your costume? This applies to guys, too.

Here are some other Halloween costume “don’ts,” in my opinion: Don’t go as Jesus. There’s a Jesus at almost every party, and he’s usually an asshole. It’s not original and is a total freshman move. It lacks shock value. I’m considering taking this costume to the next level this year and being one of the Romans who killed him.

Half the fun of a good Halloween costume is the conversation-starter factor. If you are walking around the party dressed like a Roman with a spear and a bloody crown of thorns attached to it, and some girl dressed up like a Playboy bunny asks what you’re supposed to be, imagine how fun the conversation will be when you get to reply with, “I’m a Christ killer.”

Another “don’t” for guys is the speedo thing. Speedo guy is almost always a guaranteed asshole at the party. Plus, it’s usually pretty cold on Oct. 31. Why risk catching the sniffles and having package shrinkage, all because you want to be “zany speedo guy” at the party? Not having a spot to keep your keys and wallet just seems very impractical to me.

A big “don’t” this season is the whole zombie thing. I’m so over zombies and zombie crawls and people who are into zombies in general. If someone could come up with a great bath salts costume, though, like actual bath salts, that would be a massive “do,” in my opinion.

Which leads me to some Halloween costume “dos.” Any time you incorporate current events into your costume, people take notice. The closer the event is to Halloween, the better. For example, the year that the tiger mauling of Siegfried & Roy happened, I was Roy for Halloween. All I had to do was wear all white, get a bottle of fake blood, and safety pin a stuffed tiger to my neck. Everyone knew what I was. If someone can pull off a decent zombie Steve Jobs, I might eat my words on my
zombie opinion.

Another costume “do” is to put some effort into building your costume. Chicks notice these things. One year, I spent fifteen hours building a life-size woman out of cereal boxes that had her arms tied behind her back and a gallon milk jug for a head. I then tied her around me, dressed like a jock and went to a party as a “cereal rapist.” The costume was a great conversation starter, it had time and effort put into it and it was scary.

Creativity also goes far when it comes to making a great costume. I was at one party where this total nerd was wearing a decorated box around him with two holes cut out that said “Mammogram Machine.” There probably isn’t such a thing as a mammogram machine, but this genius was feeling up more girls than “zany speedo guy,” that’s for sure.

The other asset that made the mammogram machine work is this nerd clearly knew his audience: young, dumb and drunk college sluts. Take into consideration where you are going for the weekend. Are you sticking to stupid house parties or obnoxious clubs? The mammogram machine might not have worked as well in a loud, dense dance party, but for a typical backyard keg fest, it was a great fit.

Another thing that will make your costume awesome is if you incorporate alcohol into the actual costume. I was at a party one time where a guy went as a giant penis and had rigged a camelback full of pre-made white russians that would squirt out the top of his head. His buddy was Jesus, who had rigged a camelback full of boxed wine to come out of his wrists. This is the only exception to the Jesus costume rule. I learned from these brilliant men that if your costume dispenses booze and you are willing to share, you will be the most popular person at the party.

My personal favorite costume that I tend to recycle every couple years is the larger-than-life used tampon. It’s easy to put together: a white sweater, red pants, brown shoes, and a white hat with a 6-foot braided nylon rope hanging from it. It’s awesome because it would take most guys at a party a few minutes to figure out what I was, but every girl would instantly know.

The bottom line for costume success is this: Be creative, know your audience and don’t half-ass it. A great costume can be like a shitty marriage—simple, but it still takes commitment. Have a safe Halloween, and never forget the importance of booze and candy.