Review: Attack Force

Attack Force
Michael Keusch

Sony Home Entertainment
Street: 12.06.06

I’m not sure where to begin describing a movie this crappy. I suppose we should begin with the title; Attack Force. I’m struggling to recall a more generic collision of two words used in countless action film titles. They might as well have called it ‘Explosion Gun’ or ‘Punch Kill’. But the title is unfortunately only the beginning of this movie’s problems. After 94 painful minutes (all for your, SLUG readers) I’m still not sure what this movie is really about. First there’s an elite unit of commandos who, while getting a little R & R with their captain, Steven Segal, get slaughtered by a stripper who happens to be on some new super-drug that turns addicts into vampire-ish killing machines. But then ties to the drug’s manufacturer and some kind of ultra classified government agency are uncovered so Segal goes AWOL with his short skirted biochemist/soldier girlfriend and roots out and exterminates the evil member of the secret government agency and then rejoins forces with the agency to wipe out the dark army of vampire crack heads. I guess I do know what it was about; I’m just trying to forget it. I think Segal (producer/writer/star) got a deal on latex throat wounds because almost everyone who dies in the movie dies from an identical throat wound. I seem to recall that Segal used to take pride in being some kind of Kung-Fu guy but all he really does in this movie is play some patty-cakes with Goth chicks, shoot a few people in the head and kick a few sad looking extras around the set. Mostly he’s just looking really fat and greasy. The end of the movie morphs into more of a horror film than an action movie as Segal and company track down the last of the bad-guys in a dark castle basement made of mostly brick walls that seem to fall down every time someone gets drop kicked through them. I wish I could say the cleavage shots or the comical ridiculousness of this movie make it worth while, but that would be a lie. – Jesse Kennedy