Dear Dickheads – April 2009

Dear Dickheads,
So the Wing Coop hosts this thing called the “Eleven Challenge.” Basically you have to eat 11 wings in 11 different sauces in 11 minutes without anything to drink. If you do it, you win a t-shirt and a place in the hall of flame. Sounds easy right? It’s not… I did it last weekend and these wings were the spiciest things I’d ever touched in my life. They started burning my fingers the second I picked them up. I was successful though. I completed the challenge. I guess my point is why the fuck hasn’t SLUG Magazine written about this challenge of epic proportions yet? Man up already SLUG Mag.
–Gram Patterson

Dear Gram,
No offense, but we don’t really give a shit about your quest for fame and fortune through gluttony. I mean if you were to eat 11 wings in 11 different sauces in 11 minutes for 11 hours straight we might do a write up on you and the Wing Coop, but chances would still be slim to none. I recommend taking your complaint to the idiots over at Guiness Book of World Records so they can tell you what a fool you are for wanting to have someone cover such a mundane event. Shit, I’ll even give you their phone number, its 1-800-FUCK-OFF.

Dear Dickheads,
The grocery store I work at just changed its coupon policy. We used to accept coupons from other grocery stores and we recently stopped. This wouldn’t be an issue, except elderly women keep bitching me out because I won’t accept their outdated coupons for products that we don’t even sell. It’s making life as a checker a lot more difficult than the job should be. What should I do?
Yours Truly,
–Fed Up Employee

Dear Fed Up Employee,
If there is one thing I know, I know that old people hate foreigners. My advice to you is to practice your fake accents so that your words are so thick and incomprehensible they are forced to go to the next cashier. If that doesn’t work, the other thing to do is be completely honest and tell them that you have the right to turn away customers for any reason and using a coupon from another grocery store to save 20 cents on canned vegetables is exactly why stores have this policy, so cashiers don’t have to deal with penny pinching secret millionaires. If these two previous suggestions don’t work, the last thing you can do that will boggle their minds is start scanning the items and as soon as you see their coupons come out, close the register and walk away without saying anything. Hopefully they will understand their wrong-doing and give you 100 dollars for being a “fine young adult.”

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dickheads@slugmag.com