Dear Dickheads – October 2007

Dear Dickheads,
I thought it would be appropriate to write this letter seeing that Halloween is almost upon us. Since when did Halloween become an open excuse for every girl to dress like a fucken slut? Halloween is about blood and scary shit, not about how high you can get your skirt on that Little Bow Peep costume. No one wants to see the copy room girl’s on going cellulite when she squeezes into the white thigh highs that supposedly go with her “Sexy Baby” costume. Give me a fucking break bitches you know exactly who you are because you are the same ones that suddenly turn into the fuck-me-round at the party, when you have had two wine coolers. At least the home girls down on thirteenth south are getting paid, and not the fact that he bought you a corn dog for dinner before hand, doesn’t count. So this year when you are choosing a costume be creative and don’t use the fact that daddy didn’t love you as an excuse to dress like a slut. Truly Yours,
-Bloody Mary

Bloody Mary,
Instead of seeing Halloween as an unfortunate time when sluts flash skin like there’s no tomorrow, why not see Halloween as a fortunate time when sluts flash skin like there’s no tomorrow? I have a personal vendetta against females like you,the dumpy Mormon housewives who got a neighbor arrested who gardened in her bikini and the insecure, gossiping, sexless conservatives at my friend’s work who report her when her cleavage is showing. Fuck you. Why don’t you look in a fucking mirror at your ugly, pockmarked, overweight face and think about how you’re contributing to the oppressive dilution of sex everywhere? Stop projecting your dissatisfaction with your own lack of sexual mystique on other females by willing them to convert to cardboard androgynous hydra-jellyfish like you.