Dear Dickheads – July 2010

Dear Dickheads,
I picked up SLUG Mag at a dinner this morning. My first time ever hearing about it. I love it. I’ve read the whole thing front to back. Interesting shit. I’m writing cuz I totally agree with the woman writing in about Juggalos. That’s bullshit the treatment her and her family received about the distruction to their property. That’s straight up discrimination. I personally love I.C.P.  for some reason when I feel like shit or unhappy. I listen to I.C.P. and it makes me happy and pulls me right out of that fucked up feeling. So whats the difference if its I.C.P. or Jazz music. And who the hell do they think they are singling out someone for the type of music they prefer. I also am a full time employee, mom of two, and wife. My husband, my kids, and myself all love I.C.P., Twisted, and Dark Lotus. I’m also a tax payer and pay every year. Law abiding citizen and teach my children right from wrong. Along with following laws and respect for everyone no matter how different they are. So I say, I’m right there with you Branley family. And I’m signing to petition to support the removal from gang Task Force. Use the resources were they are needed. On real crimes and gangs.
Sincerlly, M. Bowers

Dear members of the Juggalo community,
The dickheads at the SLUG HQ have used up all the good Juggalo jokes, and now this whole “I’m a victim because I listen to ICP” role is starting to get old. Don’t even get me started on the difference between Jazz music and ICP. Is that even a real question?

Dear Dickheads:

There have been some recent shakeups in the office of governor with Jon Huntsman heading off to washington to serve as the ambassador to China and the Lt. Governor Gary Herbert stepping in to fill the vacancy, temporarily. There will be a special election held this November to appoint a replacement and I, Rusty Shackleford, am announcing my candidacy for this highly coveted position. While I really can’t offer any opinion on almost all of the major issues of Gov. Huntsman’s campaign, (the economy, education, climate change, etc.) I would like to share some of my personal viewpoints on various subjects, mainly things I would like to see outlawed.

#1 Personalized license plates. Operation of a motor vehicle requires 100% focus from a driver. We can’t have our motorists being distracted by some jerks clever way of telling the world that he’s the best realtor or by some lady expressing her gratitude to her husband for the new X5. If elected governor the issuance of personalized license plates would seize and desist and those already in possession of one would be sent to a re-education camp before being released back into society. There they would learn that it is wrong to force everyone who pulls up behind you to try and decode the meaning behind your unique combination of letters and numbers.

#2 Balancing on your bicycle at a red light (trackstanding, as it’s known on the streets). You’ve probably seen them around town at any give intersection, fidgeting erratically in an attempt to save them from the horrible inconvenience of taking one foot off of a pedal. For God’s sake put your foot down! That is exactly what I intend to do. If elected to office I would have officers posted up at various known trackstanding locations throughout the city (much like a speedtrap) to ticket these arrogant show-boaters.

#3 Combine cemeteries and golf course. According to a 2004 report by the World Watch Institute, the world’s golf courses, alone, use 2.5 billion gallons of irrigated water a day and the average cemetery waters once every three days and uses around 45,000 gallons. Not to mention the amount of valuable land they occupy. Either start burying humans on golf courses or allow golfers to play in cemeteries (or both), kind of like mini golf.

#4 Switch the celebration dates of Christmas and Independence day. Celebrating Independence day in the dead of winter would drastically reduce the number of  fires caused by rogue fireworks. If we celebrated Christmas in the summer we could create a new hip urban santa from the streets, or maybe a party dude santa who wears Hawaiian shirts and on Christmas Eve he rides around on his vespa from party to party taking Jager shots, hitting on girls and making them feel awkward. Instead of reindeer he would have an entourage of bros to travel with him. On Deshawn! On Darren, on Preston and Vincent! Colin and Cubert, Donny and Brandon! And Randolph, with his bulbous bright red alcoholic’s nose.

#5 Gay marriage. I am for gay marriage. They are human beings and should be allowed to express their love by participating in the greatest tradition known to man, by signing a piece of paper and having an agent of the most high wave his magic wand across their foreheads. We as hetros though are in a particularly advantageous position and I believe we should cash in on it. We should allow gay marriage but in exchange homosexuals should have to pay double at all parking meters and shouldn’t be allowed to practice yoga in the park.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to receiving your support this November

Sincerely

Rusty J. Shackleford

Dear Rusty,
Your ass might be crazier than Super Del’s––and apparently not nearly as organized. You missed the filing period. It happened way back in March and candidates are already getting eliminated. Better luck next time, my friend. Although you missed the boat (but let’s face it… you didn’t have a chance in hell of actually getting elected for much of anything, not even the town drunk) we’ll still weigh in on your “major issues,” mostly because we like to hear ourselves talk.
1)Personalized license plates are really fucking stupid, but there is no better indication that its time to get the fuck away from someone’s car. Try to think of personalized plates as idiot identifiers. They are just as useful as bumper stickers featuring massive stick figure families, people that have a Jesus fish eating Darwin or anti-abortion stickers. Giant indicators that you don’t need to bother being friends with someone.
2)Trackstands are cool––stop hating. What, you jealous that you can’t do them? Cops at every corner you say?  Fuck that shit. We got enough police state mentality going on in this town.
3)This idea I like, but it’s probably because I don’t golf. Sorry golfers … the man has a point, it would be more efficient to just converge our water wasting entities into one single entity.
4)Christmas in July sounds okay. But changing Independence day to winter would totally fuck with Utah’s party schedule in July. Can you really beat raging on the 4th and then getting to rage even harder 20 days later on the 24th? The answer is no.
5)We should allow gay marriage, but it’s those fucks with the personalized license plates and obnoxious bumper stickers that should be paying extra on the parking meters. And gays and yoga in the park go together like peanut butter and jelly. Taking that away is just cruel.